Monday, August 22, 2011

Captain Obvious and the Attack of the Redundancy Clones

Have you ever heard a recording of your voice and were startled by how you sounded?

The voice inside my head (ha ha, you can stop chuckling now) - the voice I hear inside my head (yeah, yeah, just as bad) - sounds a little deep, rather loud and a bit choppy. I am always surprised when people ask me to speak up.

I have the same issue with observations.

Sometimes it seems that I am the only one who sees the giant shark zooming towards the helpless occupants of the sinking life raft ---

Duhn-duhn! Duhn-duhn!! Duhn-duhn!!! Duhn!!!! *Wild screaming*


This is not to say that I am the reigning Miss Smarty-Pants-Know-it-All. No, no - I feed that fantasy with this blog. In real life I am just happy to get in, get out, and get home.

But there are a few things lately that have me unfurling my Captain Obvious cape.

1. Rompers. On grown women. Women who paired them with stilettos and slunk around nightclubs. Or on dates. With someone to whom they presumably wanted to appear attractive and sophisticated. "Let me slip out of this romper in to something more comfortable...". They actually marketed these monstrosities as ROMPERS. Trust me - Urban Outfitters, society and the Tea Party are doing a yeoman's job of sidelining women as inferior / infantile beings; y'all need not lift a finger or a hanger attached to a romper to help.

2. Guns, Bars, and Bad Ideas. Now I have nothing against the state of Ohio - it's fun to say, it's fun to spell. Apparently, however, not a single member of the Ohio State Assembly learned a darn tootin' thing from Gunsmoke. Beer + Bar brawls + Guns = BAD. Yet, in July the Ohio State Assembly passed and the Governor signed, a bill allowing concealed, loaded guns to be carried in to places where alcohol is served. Supporters of the bill stated it would bring Ohio in to alignment with other states -- yeah, um, other than Ohio, only four other states in the nation explicitly allow concealed, loaded guns in bars. I'm guessing those remaining 45 states rather like the prospect of repeat customers with enough fingers to hold a pint glass.

3. History. Those who do not learn from it are doomed to repeat it. (Thank you George Santayana and my mother, for whom this quote is a favorite.) Or at the very least grow complacent in the face of history. Social media in totality is like a giant "Second Life" world. We are both ourselves and our avatars at the same time. How is it that social media allows us to engage in behavior/dialogue that would bring a chill to any cocktail party conversation. Let me be blunt. Tweeting that you are missing happy hour with the girls to meet a work deadline and using the hashtag #whitegirlproblems is offensive. It is sobering how often this term is bandied about in our virtual ether. By otherwise seemingly intelligent people. Cut it out folks.

4. Red Rover, Red Rover. I hated the game as a kid. Right up there with dodgeball. And the rope climb in gym,,,,but I digress. The Great State of Virginia has seen fit to allow motorcyclists, moped riders and bicyclists to pass through red lights, as long as there is no oncoming traffic, after waiting 120 seconds or two cycles of the light. Yep, I really believe those diligent bicyclists that careen between cars on busy roads and do not yield to cars using their indicators to turn right, are going to just sit politely counting 120 seconds at a red light. Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon? And when did a motorcycle begin to resemble a bike more than a car - Those puppies can pass my lead foot any day unlike the bicyclist whose backside I get to track for two miles as they peddle mightily into the wind at five miles an hour.

So you see these are not things that are vital to national security. You can go back to your regularly scheduled programming at ease in the knowledge that Captain Obvious is watching over us all.

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