Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Road I Wish Was Less Travelled

"Sometimes it's a bitch; sometimes it's a breeze." - Stevie Nicks

I have been in a funk.

I find that the rhythm of my life leads me through this funk with a certain predictability. I am one of those people that needs alone time - time by myself to gather my thoughts, my sense of self and sense of place. While this sounds rather enlightened, it merely means I need everybody to clear out so I can just be by myself for a minute. If I do not get that time on a regular basis things really go out of whack.

The path always starts out the same – my schedule is on overload. I am double-booked, Plan B’s are called in to action, my sanity savers fall by the wayside and soon ain’t nobody happy cause Momma ain’t happy.

Then begins the potholed and rutted dirt road of discontent. I am irritable and cannot be pleased because while my life is full and vital, I HAVE NO TIME FOR MYSELF. Ah, the inevitable blow up (the sign reads Bridge Out). I start ticking off all the stuff that needs to get done before I can relax. Because here is the kicker, I do not delegate. My name is K and I am a control freak. The love of my life, with the “here we go again” weary voice asks what he can do to help only to hear me shrilly remind him that only I know how to fold laundry. You see how this goes…

Then I hit the long, two lane highway of procrastination. Piles are so high, lists are so long, my guilt is so strong, that I cannot muster the wherewithal to do anything. My brain merely circulates the phrase “I am a sloth.” over and over and not even hearing an annoying song on the radio can dislodge it.

I soon arrive at the winding mountain road where each hairpin curve alternately represents self-doubt and guilt. Hairpin curve #1 – My proposal just got rewritten three times at work so I am frantic that people are wondering if I can do my job. Hairpin curve #2 – I am a terrible mother because today I would rather come home from work and take a hot bath and go to sleep than cuddle and play with my toddler. Hairpin curve #3 – I go ages before checking in with my friends and live in fear that one day they’ll get tired of it. Hairpin curve #4 – I snap at the love of my life, then spend the next 24 hours agonizing over how many more snaps he’ll put up with.

Eventually, the road ends at the ocean. I have a couple of hours or a day to myself to do what needs to be done for me. Often this entails a day of organizing closets. Really, that is all it takes. However, I never underestimate a mindless moment that erases, for a brief instant, any reminders of obligation. On a recent girl’s weekend away, I left my friends and returned to my hotel room in the afternoon to just be – essentially, I stalked around in my underwear eating Funyuns from the bag and watching reruns of the King of Queens. And I felt like a million bucks.

1 comment:

  1. Heart you. You are an amazing rockstar of a woman. And, if it takes you stalking around in your underwear eating funyuns and watching King of Queens to realize it - then you go for it.
    We all need time to ourselves...it's pretty awesome that you recognize when you need it. (I don't always.)